Let's face it, even Prince Charming and Cinderella had to have argued over something, at some point. Because quite frankly if there isn't ups and downs, there is no relationship at all. This post is all about dealing with the ups and downs and making your love story one for the books.
Let me share something before I begin...I am not an expert. In fact, I have no clue if this information will help anyone. What I can say is that I have been head- over- heels for a man for the last three years and I finally feel as though I might have "that relationship". You know the one I'm talking about...you're 16 and stalking a friend on Facebook who has fallen madly in love with a guy who cherishes her and they are always posting mushy posts about how happy they are. Okay, maybe that's a little dramatic, but I say it because at one point in my life I was that 16 year old girl thinking that I would never find someone who I could have a "flawless" relationship with. Here are a few basic things necessary to begin a relationship.
1. Maturity- Dave Ramsey once talked about maturity and he described that is the act of learning to delay pleasure. This statement is so very true in a healthy relationship. For one, relationships are not meant to be a game of tug-a-war. No one should feel like they have to be the one to compromise all of the time. Being mature means that as a couple, you can equally (and silently) divide who has to be the one to compromise what they want to do or what they want to buy.
2. An understanding of who you are- A big reason that my relationship with Kasey has worked so well is that before coming into the relationship we knew where we were headed in life; we knew our religious beliefs, our political choices, and our personal values and morals. In fact, I fought Kasey before starting a relationship because I had promised myself that I was done dating in high school. Of course one thing led to another and I did end up dating him, but it was very different because I had some very important (at least to me) ground rules that I laid out before we started dating. I knew the person that I wanted to be, and for the very first time in my dating career I found someone who supported that instead of challenged it. For instance, I had reached the point where I no longer wanted to drink alcohol- Kasey was a known drinker; smart about how/when/where he drank, but he loved a good party with friends. I had been there, done that, and was so over that phase in life. I told Kasey straight up that I didn't want to drink and he wasn't upset about it at all. In fact, since dating he has turned 21 and is now 22. He has been "drunk" maybe three times and has never once brought alcohol into my home. He respected me enough, plus I think he received a personal conviction from God to no longer drink. Either way, knowing what we wanted and knowing who we were before entering the relationship was/is a big part of our successful relationship.
There's more that I'm sure you need before starting a relationship, but if you have those two down you are definitely way ahead of the others. Now here are a few brief tips I've learned about sustaining a great relationship:
1. Always trust in God's plan (he's smarter than you)- the other day, Kasey and I got into a pretty good argument. What really started it, I don't really know. But regardless, I told myself that when I got off work I was going to text him and say, "I'll see you tomorrow," and I was going to leave. I knew it would drive him crazy that I didn't come home. I had this plan all mustered up, and then 10 minutes before we closed Kasey shows up and makes me face my problems instead of running. All I could really think, other than "oh crud", was "well played God". I mean, how could Kasey possibly know I was going to run off and not come home?! Obviously he didn't, but God did. Turns out, God was right. It was a lot of tears, a few raised voices, some silence even, but in the end we worked it all out and came home as two happy clams who are (still) crazy in love.
2. Laugh about everything- I was once told by a lady celebrating her 20 some anniversary that her biggest marriage advice is learning how to have humor in a relationship. If you can't laugh about your problems, you will fight about them. Kasey and I seem to have this one down. As an example, the other day I found myself super frustrated because Kasey kept throwing his dirty clothes all over the house instead of putting them into the dirty clothes hamper. It really wasn't a huge deal, but if I was feeling up to the challenge I'm sure I could have said some pretty rude stuff about how lazy he is and how I do everything. Instead, this is how I handled it...
(This one says, "not here")
(This one says, "they don't go here either")
I happened to be in the closet when he came into the room and I heard him laughing and then without me having to say one word, he picked up every clothing item and put them in the hamper! Can you say success?? I got what I wanted, and we didn't have to have a fight. Learn how to laugh together, sometimes even at each other (not in a rude way, just in a loving way) because it leads to some great memories and less and less arguments.
3. Love them- above everything else- all too often I see people who start out loving their spouse more than anything else, and then they start putting other things ahead of the one they love. It doesn't matter if it is a sport, work, or even one of your own children. God teaches us in the bible that we have to love our spouses above everything else, because they are our precious gift. What happens when a mother or a father starts loving their child more than their spouse? Eventually the child grows up, moves out, and gets married and leaves the couple alone with each other and at this point they probably don't love one another like they used to. Remember that your spouse comes first, and that great relationships, just like beautiful gardens, need tending and attention. You can't sit back and hope your garden will grow; just like hoping your relationship will grow.
